Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
