I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
