Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
