someone threw a dead crab at me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
