I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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