her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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