my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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