I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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