Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My liver just had a heart attack.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
