i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
