I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
