You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
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what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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