pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
