Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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