remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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