I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
