Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
