I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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