it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
