just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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