i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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