Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
