My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This is the high leading the old right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
