if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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