I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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