she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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