Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
