my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
