What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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