just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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