I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
