yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
