I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
