Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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