I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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