A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
