you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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