youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
