The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
