a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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