he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
