meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My liver just had a heart attack.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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