Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
