omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
