sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
