Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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