I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
