I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
