I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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