i jhust puked up my retainher.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
