I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
