My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
