$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
